Yesterday's angst on Tommorrow's Pages

Either Angst and Sadness are embedded in my XX chromosome or they have become my obnoxious, codependent, next door neighbors, who aren't happily married, yet comfortable, and they constantly borrow irreplaceable things like sleep, smiles, peace of mind, joy and good times. Combined they've become the party crashers of my life, however during their brief moments of separation, Angst rests, while Sadness comes on over and awkwardly comforts me like my favorite ex-boyfriend, the one I missed soooo much....until he came back. Then when Sadness has grown tired of me and my inability to move... POOF Angst returns, with a vengeance, it's kind enough to allow me to breath, but even that's conditional. Angst has a life-long battery and rarely grows tired of me, remarkably the feeling isn't mutual. If only the reprieve was long enough to develop a preparedness plan...Oh bother!

Is it love?!?!

So I'm at the place where its definitely more than a liking, however it feels sorta kinda like anxiety, or perhaps the stomach flu or reaching the peak of a roller coaster ride. Wait that was all bad stuff...Okay it's like a five course meal where you're totally in love with some of the food, but you could do without that weird cold soup...but you ate it anyway. It's an all too consuming event where all of my emotions are in this big ball of confused happiness. I'm overwhelmed. I stumble over my words, I smile so much that my face hurts, I feel the excitement in my bones, yet they ache. I almost can't believe it so I choose not to! And we are back at start...

Oh how you haunt me contradiction!!!!

My mind only races when sleep is chasing it, yet this is when my creativity and/or insanity peaks. I'm thinking and hating the fact that I have become uncomfortable in my self made cynical cycle of love. I've always had a cowardly, yet convenient approach to love. I always saw love as a kind of detached attachment, you know nice but not necessary and always temporary. My inner Carrie Bradshaw, is screaming, "IF I MET ME NOW, I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW ME." Discomfort has invaded my comfort zone, it's underwhelmingly strange that when he is near, something magnetic happens forcing me to touch him. I used to think that PDA's and long walks were absurdly unnecessary, yet I've developed an insatiable craving for both. I used to loathe women who lived for their mates, until I contemplated a new zip code just to breath his air! I now want what I once hated. I need want I never needed. I yearn for that something that I used to shun. I'm a walking contradiction. When will I find peace?  Does love ever have a happy medium? Is the medium, happy? Or is it a mere state of contentment? I like love, it's the journey to love that causes me much strife! How awesome would it be if I could wake up tomorrow and just be in love without having to work for it, name it, cry over it or dwell on it. Just be happy and in love, or content with love or even satisfied in the knowing that, "hey, this love." If you think its love, then that's all that matters...right?  I mean, in the end, just like life it's temporary... and just like that I'm back in my contradictory stride!

Shoulda, coulda, woulda....

Perhaps, I should have stayed away or ignored your calls, or maybe I could have stayed in that state of avoidance that I find so much comfort in. Maybe I should have pretended that you meant nothing and this was a mere fling. Or occupied myself with a substitute you, that way the odds of attachment would be 2:1. Maybe I could rewrite our chapters and choose a new love interest, or how about I just forget. I wonder what the prefix un is for, if I can't unsee and unfeel. I'm a love transient, so why am I so eager to stay. Love is a Rubiks cube, its a chaotic maze of climaxes and plunges its mind boggling as to why anyone would want to take part in that!!!! I'm not allergic to love, I'm just partial to the casualness of commitment free, title less, more texting less talking, uncomplicated, feeling free relationships. Those kind don't stay on your mind, or find a home in your heart or leave your lips wanting just one more kiss! I'll admit they are not as fun, or as fulfilling or even... proper, yet they are more common. Hmmm common- widespread; general; ordinary...now I am allergic to ordinary. So with teary eyes, I submit to this thing called Love!!!

Seasonal depression!!!

I'm pretty sure that everyone living in the northern hemisphere is touched or has been affected by a tinge of seasonal depression. It's that awkward moment when your car battery dies from the frigidness that nearly broke your fingers upon leaving your house in the morning. Or the time your weather driven tears and/or snot freezes to your face and creates a ghost-like appearance, and about 10 people see it but only one actually says something. Or the mere thought of having to go back to the car to get your cellphone causes a whole breakdown. Or when denim literally freezes, denim and -0 wind chills can be fatal...Seriously seasonal depression is debilitating, sometimes you can't even experience any of the previously mentioned things because your bed becomes your permanent residence. Sleep can become your nourishment, its all you know. Eating becomes either foreign or your only comfort, its a sadness with no limits. Nothing is right, yet you don't know if anything is wrong. On those rare occasions when you're forced to leave your bedroom sanctuary, your choice of clothing is somewhat of a visual cacophony, yet you don't care! Your only hope is that tomorrow sunshine shows up and is generous in that it brings you more serotonin than the day before, and perhaps you have the strength to find some dopamine. I'm not a killjoy, just saying that mental illness is indeed real!!!!

PSA: Stop yielding!!!

Have you ever a great idea, I mean really knew it was a great idea, and for whatever reason you didn't follow through with it!!! I mean after the calamity that caused you to stop, you didn't even revisit the idea. I have a message for you: STOP YIELDING!!! Stop pressing pause, don't let self doubt creep into your creative space! The world outside is negative enough, trust me it doesn't need our help. Ideas are like children, in order to grow, they need to be nurtured. No every idea isn't good, some are quite horrific(at least some of mine are) but the process of development is so worth it! I've stifled my growth more times than I'd ever admit to, however knowing is half the battle so next time an idea, a person, or an unexperienced experience comes along I will not yield!!!!

Acronyms are for testing and texting!!!

Omg, ppl pls stop talking to me in acronyms! Text ttyl, don't ever say that to me! If I'm talking to you on the phone and you need to put me on hold, saying hold on works...not BRB! When you don't know say I don't know not IDK!!! We are so involved with our forms of technology, conversing will soon become obsolete, especially if we're finding shortcuts for a 3 syllable phrase! IJS...