Oh how you haunt me contradiction!!!!

My mind only races when sleep is chasing it, yet this is when my creativity and/or insanity peaks. I'm thinking and hating the fact that I have become uncomfortable in my self made cynical cycle of love. I've always had a cowardly, yet convenient approach to love. I always saw love as a kind of detached attachment, you know nice but not necessary and always temporary. My inner Carrie Bradshaw, is screaming, "IF I MET ME NOW, I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW ME." Discomfort has invaded my comfort zone, it's underwhelmingly strange that when he is near, something magnetic happens forcing me to touch him. I used to think that PDA's and long walks were absurdly unnecessary, yet I've developed an insatiable craving for both. I used to loathe women who lived for their mates, until I contemplated a new zip code just to breath his air! I now want what I once hated. I need want I never needed. I yearn for that something that I used to shun. I'm a walking contradiction. When will I find peace?  Does love ever have a happy medium? Is the medium, happy? Or is it a mere state of contentment? I like love, it's the journey to love that causes me much strife! How awesome would it be if I could wake up tomorrow and just be in love without having to work for it, name it, cry over it or dwell on it. Just be happy and in love, or content with love or even satisfied in the knowing that, "hey, this love." If you think its love, then that's all that matters...right?  I mean, in the end, just like life it's temporary... and just like that I'm back in my contradictory stride!

Shoulda, coulda, woulda....

Perhaps, I should have stayed away or ignored your calls, or maybe I could have stayed in that state of avoidance that I find so much comfort in. Maybe I should have pretended that you meant nothing and this was a mere fling. Or occupied myself with a substitute you, that way the odds of attachment would be 2:1. Maybe I could rewrite our chapters and choose a new love interest, or how about I just forget. I wonder what the prefix un is for, if I can't unsee and unfeel. I'm a love transient, so why am I so eager to stay. Love is a Rubiks cube, its a chaotic maze of climaxes and plunges its mind boggling as to why anyone would want to take part in that!!!! I'm not allergic to love, I'm just partial to the casualness of commitment free, title less, more texting less talking, uncomplicated, feeling free relationships. Those kind don't stay on your mind, or find a home in your heart or leave your lips wanting just one more kiss! I'll admit they are not as fun, or as fulfilling or even... proper, yet they are more common. Hmmm common- widespread; general; ordinary...now I am allergic to ordinary. So with teary eyes, I submit to this thing called Love!!!